The Inevitable

Here we are again. Or I guess I should say, here I am again. Past midnight and I'm up wide awake writing down feelings of change.

The wedding planning has slowed down quite a bit, but I still seem to be grasping for air. I find myself crying over the smallest things because my anxiety has got the best of me. My biggest fear is not being "good enough." Being "good enough" is scaled differently to everyone. I want to be the best I can possibly be at every aspect in life. I want to be an amazing wife. One who is understanding,  affectionate, loyal and a best friend. I want to be the strongest mom.. and by strong I mean, caring, sensitive, and completely selfless. I want to be the co-worker who everyone wants a shift with. I want to fulfill a church calling not only on Sundays but by sun up to sun down seven days a week. The list goes on and gets a little deeper the more I ponder about this change. 

1. Becoming a wife- Not just a wife.. An amazing wife who can make her 'house' feel like a 'home' in a matter of seconds.

2. Moving an hour away from my parents- they are my bestest friends and I'm starting to realize how selfless they truly are.

3. Switching roommates- I've never known anything besides sharing closets, perfume, inside jokes, huge trials and chick flick nights with my ride or die. (You've now graduated to the grown up room bean! Woop!)

4. Finding a new job- I've been working for the same company for six years and it's not even a job anymore really. It's a second home, a second family, a life changing experience that I owe my life to. How do you up and leave without crying your eyes out? You don't.

5. Missing out on my family's activities- In all reality I'm not missing out on anything. I'm actually just creating my own, and making my own memories or traditions. 

This is all a battle between heart and mind. I think I've talked of this topic before. The mind knows completely what's right and does everything in its power to protect the heart, but the heart will go on feeling the way that it does because, it too, has a mind of its own and tends to have the strings that break when you're feeling empty or afraid of what is in the next chapter.

Logically, that entire list is a huge blessing. I get to put to good use what I have learned from my parents by making my house a home. I'm taking on another title that seems overwhelming but sounds amazing coming out of Austin's mouth... "This is going to be MY wife." I'm not alone; I'll have a cool new roommate who just confessed his love for cooking- (I scored.) I get to create a third family at another company, and make new friends. I get to start traditions that I've always wanted to have and share with my other half- and I'm sure Aust will have his, which means double the greatness. 

I remember telling my parents a year ago, "I am not getting married til I'm 30!!! There is too much divorce in this world and I want to make sure I do it right the first time." My parents being thrown into that 'category' agreed. I was stubborn and postponing blessings that are just waiting to be poured upon myself as well as my future family.

Blessings from the temple.

Blessings from becoming a wife.

Blessings from creating my own home.

Blessings from my Husband.

... the list could go on.

I've been blessed with way too many blessings than I'll ever deserve in one lifetime... but a lot of those blessings come from trials. Trials tend to push us into learning lessons. Learning tends to change us, good or bad. Change, therefore, is inevitable. We change daily whether we like it or not. What I've realized is that I love it. This change is huge and at times overwhelming but I love it. Looking back now I've never taken change one situation at a time... its always been full throttle. So here is to the last month of knowing every plan for all my days down to the minute. I don't even know what to plan for after I say, "I do" I just know I'm ready.

xo.k. 

A Sugar Free Slurpee

It's midnight and I can't sleep. Seems to be the constant these days. I figure I might as well do something valuable with my time rather than just lay and stare at my ceiling til I have to actually get up and go to work.

About a month ago I was called into young women's in my ward as an adviser and one Sunday we talked about Journals. In high school I was pro at writing daily, sometimes twice or three times a day because I simply wanted to remember and I wanted to learn. I wanted to be able to go back and see how far I had come from certain situations and how I changed as an individual... but mostly how I changed from being a girl to a woman. I've lost the spark a little bit for writing. I don't want to blame the wedding planning but gosh it takes a toll on you -not even gonna lie- So props to wedding planners (insert clapping emoji here.)

I have 9 journals and this blog, and I haven't written any experiences I've had since Austin proposed to me. I haven't written down any feelings I've had since that moment or anything that I've learned since he has even come home from his mission. I've suppressed it. Made excuses as to why I can't write or won't. I blame the fact that I get zero to maybe an hour of sleep every night. Those are no excuses... because when you love something so much- you make time for it/them. For example: I got home from Austin's house about 15 minutes ago. These are how our nights usually consist these days... or they consist of not seeing each other for a couple of weeks and that's just draining in itself. We have learned to make time because it's important... even if that means driving a half hour to kiss each other goodnight. It matters. 

The whole drive home I had this overwhelming feeling to just write. I don't want to get all 'churchy' on here but I could just feel the spirit telling me I needed it. I needed it so I could feel lighter. Three paragraphs later and I'm already feeling like a million bucks, guys. What I really want to share is exactly how I feel so I can remember. Everyone says to enjoy this planning- and its quite the challenge but I think writing this will help me. I wanted to share a specific story... a story that really has no exciting moments or thrills - sorry to disappoint but I'm sure its worth the read because its simple, sweet, and endearing.

Last year I lost one of the most influential people in my life. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of him and how badly I just want him here. I'll be selfish for just a minute (sorry Grandpa.) I want him here to meet Austin, I want so badly to order him a boutonniere for my wedding day, I want to hear his sweet advice on marriage, I want him to meet my kids, I want him to hug me when I come out of the temple and whisper in my ear, "I love you, kiddo and I'm so proud of you." I want to hear his laugh, I want to see him hug my mom and tell her how wonderful life is, I just want all of the above. It seems as though life would just be easier if I had all of that... but what I didn't realize until tonight, is that I do. I have someone who fills that void or voids- however you want to look at it.

Austin called me around 8:00 p.m. tonight and said, "I would love for you to come to my house, we can make brownies, cuddle and watch a movie?" That's been our thing ever since he got home. So I drove to his house, went to his kitchen to make brownies and never made it to making the brownies. I was craving a coke slurpee- something I NEVER get. (I'm not big on soda.) Anyways... Austin is so sweet and just goes with the flow of things and does what I feel. We got in his jeep and drove down to the 7eleven. We walked inside and I went to fill up my slurpee cup but there was this little red light saying I shouldn't use the machine while it was blinking. 

"It's okay babe, we can just wait until the light goes away even if that means we have to hang out in the gas station for an hour." Aust said.

 I laughed, stood there, and tried to decide on another flavor. I was a little bummed so I wandered over to the candy section to see if a candy could help fulfill my crave. Nothing. As we were standing there this tall man, with white as snow hair, scooped us up in his arms. It was Austin's Grandpa. As soon as I saw him I yelled, "Grandpa Dee!!" I was beyond happy and he didn't let go of me- something MY grandpa would do.

"Gramps! What are you doing here so late?" Austin asked.

"Oh I thought I would come and get Grandma Audrey a slurpee. She loves the sugar free ones."

I looked at Austin with so much gratitude in my heart and eyes. I thought of how amazing both him and his Grandpa are. So much service packed into two people. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and love. After his Grandpa left Austin looked at me and said, "If I am half the husband to you that my grandpa is to my grandma... we will be the happiest married couple on the planet."

I'm not even married to Austin and I know I'll be the happiest... I mean he really was willing to wait an hour just so I could get the coke flavor slurpee, who does that? A very sweet, handsome, fiance... that's who. I think there is a difference between knowing and just feeling it. I didn't want to forget this feeling I had. It's so simple and may not seem huge to you but I needed to remember it. My Grandpa was filled with such service and Christlike love; it was nice to have a reminder of how to be as a person in general. I hope and pray that these qualities enter through my kids' lives and that one day they can thank their dad and Grandpa Dee.

For now, my void has been filled and I'm accepting the change of my Grandpa being in such a beautiful and wonderful place. In fact, I hope he is enjoying a large coke slurpee right this moment. ;) and all the sugar that heaven can offer a freed diabetic.

No matter how hectic my life is right now, I'll never forget to be of service to others and constantly show a Christlike love to everyone... just like my Grandpa's and soon to be hubby.

xo. k. 

p.s. Heavenly Father must love me too 'cuz that little red light turned off on the slurpee machine right after Grandpa Dee left. It's a sign. I know it. :) I've never had a better slurpee.

Brave.

Have you ever looked at people's/ friends lives through a social media and thought... "Wow.. they NEVER have a bad day. Always smiling, laughing, going on the best adventures, just livin the dream."??

Guilty.

I am also the one that people look at through the social media window and think, "Kim, never has a bad day. She never stops smiling." I've heard it all. I am here to tell you that I am human,  I do have bad days, and I do cry. Hard. I think its all about how you take on those bad days. It's all about choice, reactions, and lessons that you have learned previously.

If we never had bad days, we will never know what good days feel like. If we never had trials, we will never learn. If we never had challenges, we will never gain strength. If we never had tears, we would never have laughter. I know it sounds cliche, but think about it. After that one day that you are absolutely certain that you won't live through... take a look at your track record. Out of all your bad days, you've lived 100% of them. It wasn't easy... but you did it. *Gives round of applause.*

This morning I got onto my facebook and one of my co-workers who is now Chief of police wrote this and it touched me so deeply because...

1. I am EXTREMELY sensitive. Like I'm so abnormally sensitive its ridic. It is a struggle, every. single. day.

2. I have 3 family members currently jobless, feeling unworthy of anyone's love, struggling just to get through the hours and minutes of life daily.

And lastly..

3. My mom. She is the one who takes care of others and never, and I mean NEVER thinks of herself.

I'm sharing this because I know my family is not alone. I know I am not alone. I know you are not alone and you just may need this. He wrote:

"For all my friends, whether close or casual, just because, one of the longest posts I'll ever do... and the most real, too. Everyone will go through some hard times at some point. Life isn't easy. Just something to think about... Did you know the people who are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Did you know the ones who take care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it the most? Did you know the three hardest things to say are, "I love you" "I'm sorry" and "Help me?" Sometimes, just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their smile and see how much pain they may be in. To all my friends who are going through some issues right now-- lets start an intention avalanche. We all need positive intentions right now. Give a moment of support to all those who have family problems, health struggles, job issues, worries of any kind... they need to know someone cares, for nobody is immune."

What beautiful words. I wish I could take credit for them.

It's okay to have bad days.. but what is most important is that you are aware and ready to help others and mostly yourself. Accept the hard day so you can enjoy the amazing one.

I have to learn every day that being sensitive means that I'm the strongest. and I can live with that. I love that. Embrace your flaws, embrace being unique, embrace whatever it may be that life throws at you. Catch it and run... even if you fall down.

Know that I am that person who cares. I care SO much. More than the average human. Even if I don't know you, I love you. I love people to a fault, and I love that about me. You can love you too. It's okay to say that... even out loud sometimes. Whoever you may be, whatever mountains you are facing... remember that climb may be rocky and rough... but the view is gorgeous, one that you wouldn't trade for the world no matter the trek. Remember that.

allmylove. k. 

Says The Lord.

You know that spring cleaning thing? Well… that is supposed to be going on right about now, but I have this problem where when I deep clean things I get stuck looking at past memories that have been tucked away in boxes for the last 6 years. You heard it… SIX. I'm a hoarder.

Anyways… One of these boxes I came across was my graduation box. Which is kind of ironic because my mom was telling me this morning how crazy it is that its been 6 years since I've graduated. We were driving and I had a little time to ponder how much I've accomplished since then, and lessons that I've learned. I started to feel a little… Unsuccessful. Then I started to get down on myself because I don't have a college degree, and I haven't been to a University. I just have always stuck with my comfort zone. Lately, I've been learning to not only step out of it, but take leaps out of it. Change has always been a scary thing for me, but now looking back on it, it's always been an amazing thing for me… so I'm not sure why that's not sticking in my noggin- but I'm workin' on it. 

In my graduation box I found all these books (which half of them are 'oh, the places you'll go!' by Dr. Seuss."-I've kept every single one because they all have sweet messages written on the inside cover.) to continue.. I found all these books people gave me that would help me for the future. For the big world I was entering. To be an adult. To start my own life. It was MY choices, and I didn't have to ask my parents anymore if its "okay" to do certain things. I can just do them… although I still find myself asking certain things like, "Do you think I should go for a higher position?" "What do you think about this school?" "Is this how you write a check?"-- paha. I'm kidding. I've known how to write a check since 7th grade. But, I do ask them out of respect and because I care so much about their opinion, and there is a GIANT part of me that never wants to disappoint them.

I did come across this one book. "For I know the Plans I have for You, Says The Lord." It caught my eye, and I started reading and came to this page.

"Be not afraid of growing slowly; Be afraid only of standing still."

If that isn't an answer to a silent prayer from my heart, then I don't know what is. I've never stopped growing, progressing, or learning. You learn things every day and even if its small like, how to make a grilled cheese sandwich, you still learned.

I may grow slower than others, but at least I'm not standing still.

Allmylove. k.

5 years.

Today is mine and Austin's 5 year anniversary. I thought I would share our story of how we met and a little bit about us. You know how in church when you move into a new ward and the new married couples or families talk one Sunday, and they share their love story? I feel like this is my practice round. I'm so excited for that day, and dream of it often.

It was 2008, I was single for the first time in 3 years and having the time of my life. I was dating here and there and met a boy in seminary I really had grown to like. His name was Tim. We never went on an actual date, but I would go to his house after swim practice and watch movies with him or play games with his family. During that year our crushes on each other had fizzled. I had bigger plans for myself and we just were too different. It was the kind of different that just would never mesh together.

Graduation was coming quick, I was moving to New York in August so I made sure that I would make the best of my last summer in Utah. It was one summer day that I was at my friend Haylee's house, we had a sleepover and just finished breakfast. We were talking about her sophomore year, friends that had come and gone, biggest trials and regrets… what she learned from them, etc. Then the conversation shifted to this really funny boy she knew. -This was at a time when MySpace was the most popular of social networking. We went to her computer and she searched, "Austin Lund." His profile picture popped up. He was in his room, wearing this super goofy hat, just such a typical Austin picture. I laughed and I just felt this overwhelming feeling in my entire being that I just was going to be with this person. I listened to all of Haylee's funny stories about him and kinda shook off that burning in my heart.

I felt crazy. I thought, no one feels this way after looking at one picture… but I did, and lets face it, I couldn't ignore it. 

AUGUST

Haylee and I went on with our summer with no "Austin Lund" in sight. August 19th I packed my things up in a Uhaul and drove across the country. I spent 6 months in New York and moved back to Utah just in time to have Christmas with my family. I was a new person, I was ready to start college, get a full time time job, and basically become an adult.

JANUARY

I started dating. A lot.

But there was one thing… none of them were "Austin Lund."

Even though I didn't know Austin at that time, I just still had that burning feeling in my heart that I needed him. At the same time I felt crazy and that no one just feels this way about a stranger… so I pushed the feelings down and continued to date.

FEBRUARY

I pushed the feeling down so far that I ended up dating a boy for a couple of months. I invited him to come to a jazz game with my family and myself. That week I had 4 wisdom teeth pulled. This boy took care of me though and he didn't care that I looked like a chipmunk. I wore my dad's jazz jacket because it was baggy enough that I could cover my cheeks if need be, and I was supporting our team. I held hands with this boy and was cuddly with him the entire first half of the game. I posted on Facebook during half time that I was happy to be home and with my family at the game. My friend, Austin Dial, commented on it and said he was there too and he really wanted to come see me now that I was back home. I text him and told him where I was sitting and he said he was on his way. I was up in the nose bleeds and I saw him turn the corner. I told my date I was going to say hi to one of my friends and that I would be right back. I walked down the stairs to meet him and there he stood. It was thee, "Austin Lund." I immediately threw my jacket over my cheeks. 

I was mortified. -Aust still teases me about covering my cheeks so quickly. ahh the horror! haha. 

Dial gave me a big hug and said he was happy to see me and then introduced me to his friend, "Austin Lund."

You guys, I m.e.l.t.e.d.

His smile warmed my heart like a million summer nights. 

His blonde hair and blue eyes made me so weak in the knees.

I was hit with a lightning bolt.

The second half began and they went back to their seats, and went I went back to mine… I was a changed girl. Entirely.

I wasn't cuddly to my date, I refused to hold his hand, and that night when we got back to my house I broke it off with him.

"I am so sorry, but I just know I am supposed to be with someone else. It just isn't going to work for us."

APRIL

I was still single. The desert is what my dating life looked like, and I was more than content with it. I was working as a new lifeguard at the fitness center and just taking life one day at a time. I planned a night out with a couple of old friends from high school. We went cosmic bowling down at All-Star bowling lanes. I sat down by our lane and looked over to my right and I saw Tim about 3 lanes down. I forgot to mention that things with Tim and I didn't really end on a happy note, he ignored me after I 'broke it off' with him… -If you can even call it that. It was my turn to bowl, after I threw the ball I turned around and saw Tim looking at our screen that shows our names and scores. I froze, and he looked down from the screen and right at me. He smiled and walked towards me. There was no getting out of this one… he saw my name and now he sees me. 

"Kim! I haven't seen you in forever. How are you? How was New York?"

"It was good, How are you?" -Trying to keep it short as much as possible.

"I'm good, do you-" He was interrupted.

"DO YOU REMEMBER ME?!" This loud voice emerged behind Tim.

There he was, in all his glory. That smile, those blue eyes, his blonde hair… got me again!

I smiled, this time not ashamed of any chubby cheeks. 

"Of course I remember you. You're 'Austin Lund.' I met you at the jazz game with Dial." -and I'm madly in love with you but I can't tell you that because you will think I'm psycho.

Tim interrupting Austin, "So hey, now that you're home we should hang out sometime? Maybe I could get your number again?"

My heart hurt. I didn't want to give my number to this guy who I had nothing in common with, I wanted to give it to this absolute stranger that I knew for certain I loved. -Seems logical right?

"Yeah, sure!" -I was being nice.

Austin, pulling out his phone, "Well, while we're at it….?" 

I died laughing and I may have stared at Austin, smiling, while giving my number to Tim. Eep!!

Austin was a gentlemen though and put his phone away. My heart shattered as I watched him tuck it away in his pocket.

They left and I continued bowling with my friends. I got home that night and Tim had text me some really sweet things, but I still was just heart broken. I wanted Austin. That night, I never text Tim back. The next morning I woke up at 8 to get to work for the day. On my break during my shift I checked my phone and ate lunch. I had a text message from a number that wasn't saved in my phone, I opened it and was shocked. 

"Hey this is Austin Lund. I hope you don't mind, but I got your number from Tim last night."

I was weak in the knees again and this was my chance to keep this guy. I never responded to Tim, and from that moment on, it was just me and Austin. I would share our first date story, but we can save that post for another day. 

I think that God had a hand in this journey. There were plenty of times where Austin could have just stayed and plenty of times where God may have gotten frustrated with the two of us that he kept putting us in each others' paths. Austin and I are incredibly different, but its always worked and we enjoy the differences. There has not been a day that has gone by that he doesn't call me beautiful. He's the most compassionate, sincere, genuine, hard working, affectionate, selfless person I have ever met in my life. He makes me laugh the hardest and love the deepest. I learn from him every day and I cannot believe its been 5 years. I can't imagine life without him and I'm grateful for him. He's my greatest blessing.

I love you, Aust. Happy 5. Here's to many more!

xo. k. 

The Magic.

Took me 3 days to get these pictures on here. Talk about wanting to feed your computer to a school of pirañas. Hence why the pictures are scattered and not in any special order… I guess that kinda makes it more fun.

This was the first trip Aust and I took together alone. I've been on many family vacations with his family, but this one we did all on our own and it was thee best. Austin's favorite was probably Sea World. Disneyland still has my whole heart. On our first night at Disneyland I got sick and I bawled the whole way out of the park. Austin offered to carry me out because I was so weak, but I already felt like I was meeting the criteria for a 5 year old, so I declined. That my friends is when a 23 year old woman has a dying love for Walt and his magic he has blessed this world with.

On facebook I posted a picture of us right as you walk through the gates of Disneyland and I talked about how I dreamed of going to Disneyland with him. I really thought we wouldn't be going for years because of his schooling and him just getting into the hang of life post mission. He had a tiny break before his next semester of school started so we saved for a month and took off. It will forever be one of my most favorite trips. 

xo.

p.s. you best believe I wrote this whole post while listening to Disney music on pandora.