My Prison.

Finally had a little 'me' time today to sit down and do my most favorite thing besides photography. Writing is such a beautiful outlet, blogs are my favorite.

I haven't written since Austin got home from his mission because its been a whirlwind of feelings, juggling school, and work... trying to make time for family and so on.

I want to sort of put a focus point on the support I have felt throughout this whole experience including the support I feel at this very moment. Society has a stereotype for everything and everyone. You know throughout high school you have the jocks, band geeks, dancers, cheerleaders, track and cross country, theater kids.. etc. I guess as an adult and the position I was in two years ago, my stereotype would have been, 'Crazy girl waiting for her missionary.' - 99% of the people I talked to about Austin.. called me that. Since I am a 'sensitive sally' it got to me. I always thought, if they only knew and if they only could feel what I am feeling they wouldn't think I was crazy. The point is that no one truly understands unless you walk a mile or longer in that persons shoes... and some of those hurtful words would have never been spoken.

Ever since Austin walked off the escalators in the airport I have just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, "I told you so!!" But I've bit my tongue because that's the mature thing to do, and I think the point comes across when they see us holding hands, hugging, or giving each other a quick kiss on the cheek for that reassurance we all need sometimes.

For me and one of my biggest struggles in life is having a constant worry of what others think of me and if they like me. I guess its changed a bit because its not about me anymore. I now worry of not having the support from family for Austin and I. I've experienced it for a good 3 years. While Austin was gone, I had one family member ask me why I would wait for him when she just was so certain he wasn't for me. I stopped visiting her because I felt like I had disappointed her in the choices I made. If strangers ever made these comments to me, I would have brushed it off like it was nothing. What I'm trying to say is that its a lot harder to do that when its someone you love so much. You want nothing more than for them to see what bright light your significant other is in your life. When they don't see that you feel as though you have let them down in a way. It hurts. It crushed me.

This past week has weighed me down with this worry and I had my first breakdown in front of Austin since he has been home. -embarrassing- I expressed my feelings and what I have struggled with and the best part is that he didn't even have to say anything, he just hugged me. He hugged me longer and tighter than our usual hugs. I pulled myself together and we walked inside my house to eat dinner. Like I've said before... my dad has this 6th sense, and he knows when I'm upset. So of course I lost it when he asked me if I was okay. I opened up a little more to my dad and tears were pouring out of my eyes. Austin was silent the whole time and then he looked up and said, "I think now, she is just upset because she let herself be upset over the situation, so the frustration is just within her." Tears immediately stopped and I just stared at Aust. I thought to myself, why do I need the approval of people who choose to not be happy for him and I? and I thought... this is why I love him. He knows me all to well even after being apart for 2 years. The journey has definitely been uphill 90% of the time but gosh, I wouldn't trade it for anything because I have him and I have his example.

I hope and pray that someday I can have the strength he does and only worry about the approval of each other, because thats what truly matters. I'm grateful for the support he has given me, he has my back 110% of the time. I couldn't ask for anything better. 

Its time to break out of this prison I've built. If you're experiencing the same thoughts, emotions or feelings... you should break free too.

all my love.

xo.

k.