A Sugar Free Slurpee

It's midnight and I can't sleep. Seems to be the constant these days. I figure I might as well do something valuable with my time rather than just lay and stare at my ceiling til I have to actually get up and go to work.

About a month ago I was called into young women's in my ward as an adviser and one Sunday we talked about Journals. In high school I was pro at writing daily, sometimes twice or three times a day because I simply wanted to remember and I wanted to learn. I wanted to be able to go back and see how far I had come from certain situations and how I changed as an individual... but mostly how I changed from being a girl to a woman. I've lost the spark a little bit for writing. I don't want to blame the wedding planning but gosh it takes a toll on you -not even gonna lie- So props to wedding planners (insert clapping emoji here.)

I have 9 journals and this blog, and I haven't written any experiences I've had since Austin proposed to me. I haven't written down any feelings I've had since that moment or anything that I've learned since he has even come home from his mission. I've suppressed it. Made excuses as to why I can't write or won't. I blame the fact that I get zero to maybe an hour of sleep every night. Those are no excuses... because when you love something so much- you make time for it/them. For example: I got home from Austin's house about 15 minutes ago. These are how our nights usually consist these days... or they consist of not seeing each other for a couple of weeks and that's just draining in itself. We have learned to make time because it's important... even if that means driving a half hour to kiss each other goodnight. It matters. 

The whole drive home I had this overwhelming feeling to just write. I don't want to get all 'churchy' on here but I could just feel the spirit telling me I needed it. I needed it so I could feel lighter. Three paragraphs later and I'm already feeling like a million bucks, guys. What I really want to share is exactly how I feel so I can remember. Everyone says to enjoy this planning- and its quite the challenge but I think writing this will help me. I wanted to share a specific story... a story that really has no exciting moments or thrills - sorry to disappoint but I'm sure its worth the read because its simple, sweet, and endearing.

Last year I lost one of the most influential people in my life. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of him and how badly I just want him here. I'll be selfish for just a minute (sorry Grandpa.) I want him here to meet Austin, I want so badly to order him a boutonniere for my wedding day, I want to hear his sweet advice on marriage, I want him to meet my kids, I want him to hug me when I come out of the temple and whisper in my ear, "I love you, kiddo and I'm so proud of you." I want to hear his laugh, I want to see him hug my mom and tell her how wonderful life is, I just want all of the above. It seems as though life would just be easier if I had all of that... but what I didn't realize until tonight, is that I do. I have someone who fills that void or voids- however you want to look at it.

Austin called me around 8:00 p.m. tonight and said, "I would love for you to come to my house, we can make brownies, cuddle and watch a movie?" That's been our thing ever since he got home. So I drove to his house, went to his kitchen to make brownies and never made it to making the brownies. I was craving a coke slurpee- something I NEVER get. (I'm not big on soda.) Anyways... Austin is so sweet and just goes with the flow of things and does what I feel. We got in his jeep and drove down to the 7eleven. We walked inside and I went to fill up my slurpee cup but there was this little red light saying I shouldn't use the machine while it was blinking. 

"It's okay babe, we can just wait until the light goes away even if that means we have to hang out in the gas station for an hour." Aust said.

 I laughed, stood there, and tried to decide on another flavor. I was a little bummed so I wandered over to the candy section to see if a candy could help fulfill my crave. Nothing. As we were standing there this tall man, with white as snow hair, scooped us up in his arms. It was Austin's Grandpa. As soon as I saw him I yelled, "Grandpa Dee!!" I was beyond happy and he didn't let go of me- something MY grandpa would do.

"Gramps! What are you doing here so late?" Austin asked.

"Oh I thought I would come and get Grandma Audrey a slurpee. She loves the sugar free ones."

I looked at Austin with so much gratitude in my heart and eyes. I thought of how amazing both him and his Grandpa are. So much service packed into two people. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and love. After his Grandpa left Austin looked at me and said, "If I am half the husband to you that my grandpa is to my grandma... we will be the happiest married couple on the planet."

I'm not even married to Austin and I know I'll be the happiest... I mean he really was willing to wait an hour just so I could get the coke flavor slurpee, who does that? A very sweet, handsome, fiance... that's who. I think there is a difference between knowing and just feeling it. I didn't want to forget this feeling I had. It's so simple and may not seem huge to you but I needed to remember it. My Grandpa was filled with such service and Christlike love; it was nice to have a reminder of how to be as a person in general. I hope and pray that these qualities enter through my kids' lives and that one day they can thank their dad and Grandpa Dee.

For now, my void has been filled and I'm accepting the change of my Grandpa being in such a beautiful and wonderful place. In fact, I hope he is enjoying a large coke slurpee right this moment. ;) and all the sugar that heaven can offer a freed diabetic.

No matter how hectic my life is right now, I'll never forget to be of service to others and constantly show a Christlike love to everyone... just like my Grandpa's and soon to be hubby.

xo. k. 

p.s. Heavenly Father must love me too 'cuz that little red light turned off on the slurpee machine right after Grandpa Dee left. It's a sign. I know it. :) I've never had a better slurpee.