My voice.

I'm not obsessed with blogging... or maybe I am because this is like the third post this week. I just feel like there are things that need to be said.

I hate admitting this, but I don't voice how I feel very often... and if I'm offended by something someone says or does I choke back my sensitive tears until I see my mom walk in the front door. I don't voice my feelings because what if I hurt them? What if I make THEM cry? What if they get offended by the words coming out of my mouth? Thus the reasons of why I love writing down my feelings. They seem to come out more easily than they would in person, or on a phone call. I stutter, trip, choke, over my words and sound like a complete idiot. So here I am resorting to the things I 'should have said' in those moments. I can't get those moments back but at least I can get my feelings I once had... out. Its now or never.

This blog is very public, and I remember saying from the very beginning that I just want to relate to someone somewhere. Even if those people don't comment, or know who I am... we can be 'blog' friends right? So before I unleash my demons or say how I really feel for the first time in my life... please choose to not be offended. I have learned to do that through my sensitivity because everyone has feelings, and everyone has opinions. These are just mine.

I have been through multiple relationships in my life... one too many if I'm being honest. Relationships that I have given countless chances, put my whole heart and soul into, and what you call 'long distance.' Everyone told me, "Why are you giving him another chance?" "How could you love him if he did that to you?" "You know he is going to be different when he comes back home?" "Are you going to date while he is gone?" "Statistics are against you, 3-5% actually marry their missionary..." 

Guess what??? I know. I also realize that this is my life and I will live it the way I want to. I have had my fair share of heartache, and extreme trials. As far as I know I have learned something from each and every trial. Here is what I have always wanted to say to those people... my answers in order to the questions above.

1. I gave him another chance because people make mistakes, imagine if the Lord didn't forgive us after all of our mistakes. Yes, I learned and I broke free because his 'mistake' then became a choice. I was young and didn't understand until now but this is how I learned.

2. I loved him because I love deep. Its not on the surface and its not hidden. Sometimes there is a battle between your heart and mind. While the mind is trying to protect the heart from getting hurt, the heart essentially is going to do what it wants and how it feels. Some of the hurtful things he did to me weren't necessarily 'to me' but he did without a thought of me in his mind. Yet again, I was smart enough to end things because if I wasn't being thought of then it wasn't worth it. For a future spouse... it doesn't work that way.

3. Some time ago I posted a status on my facebook talking about how when I started going to church I was only 12. I went by myself every Sunday, and I will never forget this one Sunday in young womens... we learned about missionaries and why we have them. I went home that Sunday, knelt down by my bed and prayed that one day I could have a missionary to write to. I prayed for strength to be able to write him the full two years and support him the whole way. It was never about falling in love with one, I just wanted to be that girl to support one. My time came quick. I'm still learning because I am still in the process but I do know they change, I do know he will be different. My question for you... How does this affect you? Why do you care if he is different? You are worried for my sake?... I get it. The people who throw these questions at me love me and care enough about me to give me the reality of the situation because not every girl has a fairytale. But that is not what I want. If you must know, I have changed too. I have grown up too. In my case, I just want a best friend. I want him to know all my secrets and still think I'm the most amazing person. Who wouldn't want that?

4. Ohh dating. I didn't date for the first... 9 months of Austin being gone. I was bitter, thought it was a waste of time, and just a joke. The first 3 months I didn't eat and I cried, every day. It was like a break up that ended on good terms. So which is worse... a terrible break up? or one where you both agree that its time to separate and you suddenly stop talking? I haven't been able to figure that one out. The day I do figure it out I will let you know. As for now its the good terms. How do you go from spending 3 years with that person to suddenly nothing. No more goodnight texts, lunch breaks, Utah football games, surprise visits with a dozen roses at my work, camp outs in my back yard... just no more of my best friend. I have dated two boys since he has left, both knowing that there's a missionary involved. To these two boys, I'm sorry if I have hurt you, and I hope that you can find someone better someday. Someone who is ready for you and ready for all the blessings you have to give. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

5. As for the statistics... There is a statistic for everything. Airplanes are much safer than cars... Go ahead and tell that to the guy who died on his first flight in his life. Also, if I don't beat this statistic... then I give you full permission to remind me its only 3-5%.

For now, I am done with the dating world. Sure its helped me grow and become better but its also exhausting. I can't fully give what I want to give because someone else has it.

xo.