A double negative.

In the past year I have really learned that waiting, writing, keeping in touch with, Christmas skypes, Mothers day phone calls, whatever you want to call the missionary experience... hard. I have learned that all of those things put together are hard. I have never had so many trials, or blessings for that matter. At the very beginning when Austin left for his mission we had a couple of moments where we sat down with my Dad and talked about what I would be doing while Austin served the Lord. My dad had no problem with me writing Austin and supporting him for the full two years. 

I will not lie. Aust and I struggled...<(that's an understatement.) two weeks before he left we were a complete mess. While our lives were just beginning, it felt as though our worlds were crumbling. Just, so bittersweet. My dad made it clear to Austin that it was important for me to date, and I was forced to agree with the nonsense. In my mind, why date if I have found the person I have told every secret/ fault to... and still thinks I'm amazing? You know? 

First 3 months of Austin being gone was like living in WWII. I was at war with myself. My heart completely broken, and my mind constantly reassuring my heart that it will be okay and things will essentially fall where they may. I got two letters a week during that time period. I marked big moments on my calendar to help me look forward to and, of course, help time fly. The point of all that is there is still 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week and it goes by just as fast as it did the day before or the week before that. I didn't realize that until, this week. Took a year and 3 months for me to come to an understanding with time. I'm ridiculous, I know. 

I think what people forget, don't know, don't understand, is that waiting for a missionary is no walk in the park. Writing a letter once a week isn't hard to keep up... and trust me, I thought that was going to be my biggest challenge for the loooongest time. I thought I don't know how I will keep up with his letters, and I hope I can stay strong through it all. Not strong for myself, but for him... to give him my full support.

This past week, I got a taste of how people really judge us 'missionary girls.' At the beginning all I ever heard was, 

"I can't believe you are going to sit around and wait for him." 

"Are you seriously going to write him the whole two years?" 

"He will change, and so will you!"

"What if he comes home and doesn't want to be with you?"

All of these comments came off negative to me. Made me want Austin home even more so he could hug me and tell me that I can cry and that they don't know what they are talking about. It made the waiting process slower.

I didn't date anyone until 8 or 9 months of Austin being out. I was hurting; my heart and mind were not in the right place to be going out on dates. I was supposed to be dating though, remember? It was a rule.

With that being said, and when I did go on dates I got negative comments as well... such as:

"You probably should write him off."

"I knew the statistics were right!"

"What are you going to do now that you went on a date with him?"

"Don't you feel like you're cheating?"

I had this girl actually take my pictures of Austin and I off of my instagram and show them to boys that I have been on dates with.

Nice try. They already knew my situation... you didn't succeed in starting drama.

So what am I doing wrong?? If I date, I am a cheater. If I don't I'm wasting my life away.

In my mind, if I don't date.. I won't grow and learn what I need in a spouse. If I don't wait... then I am always, always going to wonder 'what if?' I don't want that on my shoulders. Tonight I decided that people are going to think what they want to, and I decided to let my feelings out on here because thats what this is for... right? I need people to understand this, and most importantly to focus on themselves. In the end I will do what makes me happiest and so will you. 

So do you want someone judging you and what makes you happiest? I don't think you do. 

xo.

p.s.

I'm thankful for my best friend. Even though he is in a different country,

he is still here for me... through thick and thin.