Dear Trevor,

Since I saw you for the first time the other night I haven't thought of anything but you and just exactly why you are going through the things you are going through. I have this thing where I refuse to put sad things on my facebook, instagram... or any other social media for that matter.

Today I broke that rule.

I have that rule because I don't want to come off as a 'negative nancy' or a 'depressed diane' or even a 'complaining cindy.' I always want to be positive and I do it for myself as well as my family... such as you. I want to make you proud, because you have done that for me. I wrote one of those facebook status' where its so annoyingly long that you have to click 'continue reading' just so you can get down to the bottom of what I am really trying to say.

I wrote about you, and I simply asked questions like "Why do those that do everything right, have to fight for their lives... compared to those who could care less about where they end up, hospital or not, and are 100% healthy?" I asked for advice from close friends and friends that you just follow because one day you had the same back pack as them. I left my status up for 15 minutes, and I had this heart wrenching feeling to just delete it because maybe my questions were too offensive or deep and they could possibly have really offended someone.

So I deleted it.

Then decided to pray.

Then asked my best friend those deep questions because I knew for a fact she would have something good... and something that could just make sense to me. I even asked my dad. Then I had one response to my post on facebook through a message. The answers I got changed me. Changed my outlook on life, and my outlook of how I want to live it. I want to tell you the answers I got from these amazing people that I have in my life.

When I asked my dad I was angry, I was broken hearted, and I was crying angry tears. Ever heard of that? Well there is a first for everything. I asked why it had to be you? Why did you make the right decision about going on a mission 100% healthy and then come home ill? Why are you in the hospital when you're doing everything in your power to stay strong? My dad is really... honest, blunt, an open book as he would say. Something I really wish I could be. His answer for me was, "God is trying to give someone a lesson."

I thought okay well why not teach those lessons to those that don't care as much about their health, eat as much as they want no matter how severe their diabetes is getting,  or drink alcohol until they don't even know who they are? That seems logical right? But no... it goes a lot deeper than that. My best friend told me, maybe its because you're the strongest. You can handle it. No one else.

Elder Holland said: "All that is unfair about this life will be made right in the next." Now that doesn't take the pain away but its comforting. Its comforting because that is the true church and that is really what keeps us going. This friend on facebook who saw my post in that fifteen minute span wrote to me and said, "God gave you your trial because he knows you perfectly, where we don't understand is where we don't know him perfectly yet." I think one of my biggest struggles is the 'why?' of everything. That was my biggest challenge in high school with things that I went through.

I blamed God a lot and I wasn't mad at him but I was upset.

I was upset because I felt like I wasn't strong enough to face the trials and mountains that he gave me. Every prayer I said was selfish and I consistently asked him 'why?' Took me 3 years to figure out that the question of  'why?' was missing another word. I changed my attitude about things and the situation I was in. I became a different person.

Completely.

I started asking 'why not?' Why not me? Then I started listing things in my journals of all the blessings I had received from that trial. Every time my mountain got higher the stronger I became and the list of my blessings were pouring through the pages of my journal. Trev, I still don't understand why you have to go through this, but I do know God picked you because you're the strongest. He knows you can handle it. Like Elder Holland said, things are unfair in life but it will be made fair in the next.

I believe he picked you because you are amazing. If I could describe to anyone in one word of how to live your life, how to look at life, how to treat life... my word would be 'Trevor.' Who lays in a hospital bed cracking jokes with hand motions? You do. Thank you for changing my life. Thank you for showing me how to live it, and to never ever take anything for granted... no matter how tough the road gets. You're the only person I would go to a BYU game with. So when you get out, we are going. I love you Trev. Thanks for being my rock.

xo -Kimi.