the size of my heart.

This past week, starting from Sunday to now has been... hard, tough, disappointing, not good enough, I will just never get it, kind of weeks. If I look back to a very trying moment in my life, I would go right back to the person who always said I couldn't make it, I wasn't smart enough, no one would ever love me, and you will never get anywhere.

This week has pushed me to those feelings. Pushed me into believing that I just can't anymore. 

I can't do school.

I can't please every patron that walks through the doors of the fitness center.

I'll never be able to support myself.

or...

Maybe I really won't find someone who loves me.

I'm actually ashamed of these thoughts. I'm ashamed because this is not who I am. I am the girl who when she says she can and will... she can and will. No questions. Whether its writing a paper at 3 in the morning, smiling at customers no matter how bad my day was, working hard in school so I can have a good income, or just simply waiting for that boy to love me... because I know I can. 

This  post has no real meaning aside from me just laying out all my feelings. We all have bad days, or weeks... the point is to realize that you would never ever pick up someone else's trials over yours. Everyone has their own trials, deals with them in different ways, and that is essentially how you learn. 

Take it from Thomas S. Monson...

"Life was never intended to consist of a glut luxury, be an easy course, or filled only with success. There are those games which we lose, those races in which we finish last, and those promotions which never come. Such experiences provide an opportunity for us to show our determination and to rise above disappointment. As parents help their children make righteous decisions by letting them experience natural consequences, they will foster, strong, independent, spiritually minded leaders in the kingdom. It takes courage, faith, spiritual sensitivity, patience, and persistence, but the rewards are eternally worth it."

With that being said, 

To the customer at work who said I talk down to her... you will never know the size of my heart, because I would never intentionally do that to you, or anyone.

To the hours I spent studying for my biology test... you will be missed, and at least you know I tried.

To the man that I will call my husband... I promise I will love you with every fiber of my being and more.

(I will just be here... waiting.)

xo.