I'd rather be stupid.

How long do you have left?

Are you still waiting?

How is dating going? 

Do you two still write each other?

Kim, are you nervous? Excited? Scared?

I have had 3 days since my last blog post.. which was about thee best, and I'm talking number one man in my life, my dad.

I have often thought of the man I want to marry and I have been praying lately that he will have similar qualities as to my dad. I think about how I want to be cared for, how 'he' will look at me every morning, how he will wrestle with my boys or have a tea party with my girls, if he will help me clean up the dishes after an Italian dinner, or if he would even carry me to bed because I was just too tired and could only make it to the couch.

These things cross my mind.

Daily.

But... Lately those things, including the questions above, have overwhelmed me. When I say overwhelm, I am talking the ultimate stress ball in my back right under my shoulder blades, lack of sleep, and literally making myself get a cold.

(side note: there is nothing worse than a cold in the summer time. nothing. like what is happening?)

So here I am, in my room, wondering what my future has in store for me, and whether its a coincidence or not when the water works turn on. Not only do I doubt myself in my own daily tasks, but I doubt myself if I will ever be a good wife or parent. I want to be the best for the best.

While Austin has been gone, I have dated a lot. Got my heart broken on 3 occasions, and have learned more in this last two years than I probably ever have in my 22 years of life.

Have you guys ever seen the movie Serendipity? (I'm not getting off track, I promise. My attention span is in full tact right now.)

If you have not seen it, you need to. Like right after you're done reading this post, or you can right now.. I'm not your boss. ha!

So the direct definition of Serendipity is: The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way. In the movie, Kate Beckinsale, believes 100% in this word.. the events in her life that lead her to the perfect man even with a few bumps in the road.

My life is like her life in this movie.

I want to share a personal story, hopefully not too personal and I apologize to the boy in advance if he still reads my voice on here because he doesn't know what I am about to tell you. eep.

I dated this boy for a good 3 months. He made me laugh, held me when I cried, and brought me treats if I was having a bad day at work. It was the beginning of October and we got on the subject of the whole missionary-waiting-situation, and it ended with me devastated. I sat in the passenger seat of his car with tears streaming down my cheeks, choking out the words 'goodbye' and 'please don't walk me to my door.' I walked in my house that night and felt so torn because prayers weren't quite answered yet. 

The next three days I text Karinne and my mom about how sad I was and that I didn't feel like it was the right thing to do. Now, if you know me at all, you would know that I am no "text initiator" I am way too shy and timid. This situation, for whatever reason, pulled something out of me that forced me to text this boy first and see if he was as devastated as I was. I was curious to know because I watched his status updates on facebook (I am not a creep okay?) about his peanut butter and banana sandwich, and the fact that I couldn't even think about a crust of bread to eat because I was so sad.

"Are you even upset that we aren't talking? Is it that easy?"

"I am upset and no it is not easy. We should meet up and talk this through because texting won't help."

(I always loved that about him.. having conversations face to face with me & not being scared of confrontation.)

We met up at this school that we used to longboard at and as we were walking I was telling him that I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I don't want to get too in depth but we ended up sitting down on the curb and he picked up this golf ball.

Golf is Austin's favorite sport.

I watched all of his tournaments and summer days were filled with us walking the full 18 holes completely content with each other.

In that moment of him picking up the golf ball, it was serendipitous. There is no other word or description for the feelings I had in that moment. Now you all might think I have lost my entire mind, and that is just a one time thing.

But it wasn't. I have possibly 12 other stories that fall under the category of Serendipity. I won't share them all, maybe in another post.

The rest of the night for me was a blur because I felt like I had my reassurance, and I felt like 10 million pounds had been lifted from me. He and I parted ways a couple weeks after that and I pray that he receives the best happiness because he truly deserves it.

Life doesn't get any easier. Especially with the L word.

If anything you have to continually wait, and sometimes you come across good things that show you there could be great things.

And if you're like me, at all, that L word is no joke. 

Falling in love makes me completely stupid, but I do it because I'm addicted to that ache in my heart... and I'd rather be stupid than not fall and feel anything at all.

I can't answer those questions I began with, but I can tell you that I will wait.

I will wait til all the good things fade to be something great.

xo. k.