Senior year of high school.
Acne.
Tear welled eyes.
Crooked teeth.
Bad, Bad haircut.
Currently single- a couple months ago he had shattered my heart. Not once, not twice, but countless times.
Timid.
Zero confidence/ Self esteem.
Scared that I might see him & her, together… this picture day.
-Because pictures tell a story, I feel like I can elaborate on mine… trust me, it's been a long time coming.
It's been a long time because I think I was too afraid, but recently the strength has been exploding out of me. -Not because I need to be heard, only so I can see MY progress.
When I started sophomore year of high school I was bubbly, outgoing, confident.. I pretty much could take on the entire world because I was on top of it.
Those qualities and characteristics were ripped from me only a year later. Not because of his words… but because I LET him. I listened to him.. and the worst part is, I believed every. single . word. For 3 years. "And… Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind & we both cried, because when you're 15 and someone tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them."- Take it from Taylor because that's the only way I can think of how to write it.-
Shame on me.
There is something to be said about verbal/ physical abuse, and its that they leave psychological wounds that never heal.
Whore.
Slut.
B****.
C***.
Worthless.
Unworthy of anyone's love.
Bawl baby.
Tool.
Weak.
Unsuccessful.
A nothing. A nobody.
The list goes on.
Now, shame on the 17 year old 'me' because I believed every word and was at my lowest point. Some days I wish I could rewind and tell myself what I know now. But most of the time I'm grateful because I wouldn't be right here. Right now.
Graduated high school.
Graduated College.
Photographer.
Friend.
Worth Something.
A somebody.
Successful.
A daughter of God worthy of every ounce of love he gives me.
Kind.
Loving.
Sensitive. a lot sensitive.
Strong.
Classy.
Intelligent.
Biggest heart.
Beautiful.
Free spirited.
I am not only writing this to view my progress but I've had a rough end to 2013 and sort of a rocky beginning of 2014. From losing a loved one, and just simply trying to find my place in the world.
-Because its huge.
I am not sure why, but I thought that in order to become successful you HAD to work in the medical field. There was just no if, and's, or but's, about it. I wasted a semester of school with a medical biology class that literally sucked the life out of me, and then I received my certification as a dental assistant shortly after. I got a job before I even graduated... by which I no longer work at, I gave it a month and decided I couldn't stand working in a 'high school' type of environment. -take that one as you will.- I already went through high school… not about to do it again at the age of 23.
Every morning I woke up aching for my camera. Aching for the sun. Aching for my freedom. Aching for where my heart belonged. I let that first list really get the best of me after I quit the dental office. I was definitely a nobody, unsuccessful, worthless, a quitter. I believed him. Again.
Is that really what I was though? Really?
Ever since my Grandpa passed in November.. I really tore myself down. My anxiety was at an all time high, the stress was shooting through my roof, my tears were a constant, patience had FLOWN out the window, and feelings were suppressed. The only person who truly understood me, and I mean truly, truly… was my Heavenly Father. Prayer quickly became an hourly thing rather than a morning/ night thing. I needed some serious saving from this repetitive negative outlook I had on myself.
So here I am. It took me 2 months to write this post. I was going through so many emotions, I wanted to make sure I had all of them and my progress packed into one post. I know my worth, I know my strengths, I know my talents, I know my courage, and most importantly… I know I'm loved.
I don't want to get all "inspirational speaker" on you now, because I am far from that… but if you are lacking in the confidence area…
Take a leap.
Believe in yourself.
You can do it.
Especially if I can.
I promise.
xo. k.
p.s. I definitely just finished this post off with a Dunford chocolate donut. Party :)
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