The Inevitable

Here we are again. Or I guess I should say, here I am again. Past midnight and I'm up wide awake writing down feelings of change.

The wedding planning has slowed down quite a bit, but I still seem to be grasping for air. I find myself crying over the smallest things because my anxiety has got the best of me. My biggest fear is not being "good enough." Being "good enough" is scaled differently to everyone. I want to be the best I can possibly be at every aspect in life. I want to be an amazing wife. One who is understanding,  affectionate, loyal and a best friend. I want to be the strongest mom.. and by strong I mean, caring, sensitive, and completely selfless. I want to be the co-worker who everyone wants a shift with. I want to fulfill a church calling not only on Sundays but by sun up to sun down seven days a week. The list goes on and gets a little deeper the more I ponder about this change. 

1. Becoming a wife- Not just a wife.. An amazing wife who can make her 'house' feel like a 'home' in a matter of seconds.

2. Moving an hour away from my parents- they are my bestest friends and I'm starting to realize how selfless they truly are.

3. Switching roommates- I've never known anything besides sharing closets, perfume, inside jokes, huge trials and chick flick nights with my ride or die. (You've now graduated to the grown up room bean! Woop!)

4. Finding a new job- I've been working for the same company for six years and it's not even a job anymore really. It's a second home, a second family, a life changing experience that I owe my life to. How do you up and leave without crying your eyes out? You don't.

5. Missing out on my family's activities- In all reality I'm not missing out on anything. I'm actually just creating my own, and making my own memories or traditions. 

This is all a battle between heart and mind. I think I've talked of this topic before. The mind knows completely what's right and does everything in its power to protect the heart, but the heart will go on feeling the way that it does because, it too, has a mind of its own and tends to have the strings that break when you're feeling empty or afraid of what is in the next chapter.

Logically, that entire list is a huge blessing. I get to put to good use what I have learned from my parents by making my house a home. I'm taking on another title that seems overwhelming but sounds amazing coming out of Austin's mouth... "This is going to be MY wife." I'm not alone; I'll have a cool new roommate who just confessed his love for cooking- (I scored.) I get to create a third family at another company, and make new friends. I get to start traditions that I've always wanted to have and share with my other half- and I'm sure Aust will have his, which means double the greatness. 

I remember telling my parents a year ago, "I am not getting married til I'm 30!!! There is too much divorce in this world and I want to make sure I do it right the first time." My parents being thrown into that 'category' agreed. I was stubborn and postponing blessings that are just waiting to be poured upon myself as well as my future family.

Blessings from the temple.

Blessings from becoming a wife.

Blessings from creating my own home.

Blessings from my Husband.

... the list could go on.

I've been blessed with way too many blessings than I'll ever deserve in one lifetime... but a lot of those blessings come from trials. Trials tend to push us into learning lessons. Learning tends to change us, good or bad. Change, therefore, is inevitable. We change daily whether we like it or not. What I've realized is that I love it. This change is huge and at times overwhelming but I love it. Looking back now I've never taken change one situation at a time... its always been full throttle. So here is to the last month of knowing every plan for all my days down to the minute. I don't even know what to plan for after I say, "I do" I just know I'm ready.

xo.k.